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I need to know how to fix my relationship with my fiance. i was texting two women, one from online i have never met and another from work. it never went beyond "sexting". i realized what i was doing was stupid so after a couple of weeks i decided no more. i cut it off with one of the women but before i could tell the other, my wife saw an old text on my phone i forgot to erase. then she found saved nudes. i seriously caught myself going down the wrong path but before i could fix it i got caught. i don't want my wife to leave me. i love her but just got gradually caught up in the thrill. i feel like such a piece of shit. we have such a good thing going and i fucked it up. i am trying to make an appointment for couples therapy but i don't know if she is willing to go yet. amy advice is greatly appreciated.

Edit: UPDATE: I did as some of you said. I stopped apologizing and was brutally honest with her. We had a long discussion and were going to work things out. We figured out some things and identified things that need work. I will never do anything like this to someone I care about again. Also I'm going to finally put the paperwork through and make this woman my wife. Thank you all for the help and advice.

I need to know how to fix my relationship with my fiance. i was texting two women, one from online i have never met and another from work. it never went beyond "sexting". i realized what i was doing was stupid so after a couple of weeks i decided no more. i cut it off with one of the women but before i could tell the other, my wife saw an old text on my phone i forgot to erase. then she found saved nudes. i seriously caught myself going down the wrong path but before i could fix it i got caught. i don't want my wife to leave me. i love her but just got gradually caught up in the thrill. i feel like such a piece of shit. we have such a good thing going and i fucked it up. i am trying to make an appointment for couples therapy but i don't know if she is willing to go yet. amy advice is greatly appreciated. Edit: UPDATE: I did as some of you said. I stopped apologizing and was brutally honest with her. We had a long discussion and were going to work things out. We figured out some things and identified things that need work. I will never do anything like this to someone I care about again. Also I'm going to finally put the paperwork through and make this woman my wife. Thank you all for the help and advice.

(post is archived)

[–] • 6 pts

If you have plans to change, then change. If you don't, then don't. Don't do it "for her;" do it because it aligns with your values and convictions.

If you think you shouldn't be texting other women while married, then act accordingly.

If you think it's fine and you were only concerned because you might "get caught" then establish that understanding with her and move forward, either with or without her,

Either way, don't make a promise to change or do better when you don't actually have the intention to follow through with it.

Also, on a personal note, don't act like a fag and call your fiancé your wife. Either get married or don't, but don't play word games.

[–] • 0 pt

I do intend to change and I honestly know that I want the long term relationship with her. I feel like I was pulled in my temptation but was able to pull myself out, just not in time to save her the hurt. Also you're fucking right about me needing to marry her. I need to make it happen, can't lose this one.

[–] • 1 pt

Don’t go to therapy it’s a waste of time and they intentionally make the woman go against the man.

Don’t keep apologizing for what you did. Say you fucked up and stop doing it. Further tell her if she has an issue to break up. That’s it. You can’t go the rest of your life bringing this up. She either forgives you now or she doesn’t.

[–] • 3 pts

It’s just emotional cheating. She probably did worse and never told you.

Don’t apologize and tell her to get over it or get out. Couple’s therapy is a waste of time and money.

[–] • 1 pt

This doesn't seem like it would work to save my marriage

[+] [deleted] • 1 pt
[–] • 1 pt (edited )

Turn it back on her. If she had given you the attention you lacked, and made you feel desirable and wanted and fulfilled sexually you wouldn't have been looking elsewhere.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UGJvQjyTwE

[–] • 1 pt

Convert to Islam and exercise your dominance over up to 4 females.

[–] • 1 pt

This comment is the goat.

Up to 4 goats, actually.

[–] [deleted] • 1 pt

Don't go to therapy. Find a marriage or relationship coach, they don't focus on problems but solutions. Or maybe a church based counsellor. Do NOT visit a therapist, and try to not let your woman visit one.

Get some relationship books. "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson may serve you well, as it doesn't put all of the problems on you, it helps show that relationship issues are usually caused by both people, often inadvertently. That puts you two on the same level, and gets you out of the hole, without appearing weak.

[–] • 1 pt

Awesome advice, thank you. I was looking at churches and marriage counseling specifically. I don't want drugs and I don't want to dwell on negative things. I want to fix what's broken and move on together.

[–] [deleted] • 0 pt

You can, totally possible. Remember you're both imperfect, and remember YOU literally have to be emotionally strong enough for the both of you. Good luck!

[–] • 0 pt (edited )

If you gave a shit about your fiancé you wouldn’t have been sexting with other women in the first place. The relationship should end for both your benefits. She will never trust you again and you don’t love her the way that you think you do. You’ll fight for years trying to get over it but you won’t, and you’ll both have gone through unneeded endless emotional suffering just to reach the same result that you could choose right now.

[–] • 0 pt (edited )

Bro, you have a good woman and a kid, yet you are afraid to get married and lock it down and your outlet (in regards to that fear maybe) is sexting other women? Figure out your values. You're pretty much living married life minus having it on paper. Are you afraid of marriage? Is there something about your relationship now that you can't handle or don't want? Is that why you have delayed so long despite having kids together? You need to ask yourself these things and listen to those deep answers whether you "like" the true answer or not. Then TALK TO your significant other about all of it. Don't filter yourself. Put it all out there and let her see what is going on in your mind. Communication is key and will start to build trust again. Or, ultimately cut your losses if that is what you decide and leave. Either way, quit keeping your child and SO in purgatory and make a decision. It's not fair to any of you to keep living in a bubble of instability, indecision, and possibly infidelity. You've got the balls to make some calls. Use them.

[–] • 0 pt

She will never understand. Cut your losses. Learn from it.

[–] • 1 pt

Problem is is we have a soon to be two year old and I don't want him growing up in a divorced household.

[–] [deleted] • 3 pts

WTF is a soon to be 2 year old?

1) You had a kid, and waited almost 2 years to get married? What were you waiting for?

2) Now that you got caught you don't want your kid growing up in a divorced home, but you weren't worried about you child growing up in an unmarried household.

3) 'It never went beyond sexting???' What the hell does that mean? That's better?

You claim to love your fiance but you treat her like she is a disposable whore.

You don't need to change you need to repent, nothing short of God can stop you from being an absolute piece of filth.

[–] • 0 pt

Repent how?

[–] [deleted] • 1 pt

The problem is that you care most about your penis.

[–] • 0 pt

Oh. Now you have a complex relationship issue. She isn't going to trust you anymore. You two need to spend a lot of time working your issues out. It's not easy. Good luck.

[–] • 0 pt

  1. Therapy.
    Not couples therapy, ‘you’ therapy. This is a you issue. Look for a decent therapist in your area that fits your personality. Check out Psychology Today and other resources. Before you move further you need to figure out what it is in you that had you trawling for women outside of your relationship. I have no idea what your story is. What your childhood was like, your parents and their relationship. But I am going to guess there is enough there that it is manifesting itself in this behavior.
    You are no good to yourself, let alone a future spouse, if you have unprocessed junk in your history. Fix you first.

  2. On the relationship front, I’m not sure what advice I could give you. You were engaged to be married and there are enough teething pains with a new marriage as it is without having to deal with long standing infidelity right at the get go. I have no vested interest with blowing smoke up your ass, you very likely have burned this one. I could be wrong, but if it is to stand a chance you need to get to the root of the problem, which is you.

I wish the best for both of you and hope you can find the healing you need to move forward.

[–] • 0 pt

Thank you

[–] • 0 pt

Np, honestly hope things work out for you, whichever way it goes. Even if this relationship fails. We all fuck up, and very often we fuck up for a reason. The trick is to learn and grow. Find yourself a good therapist and build yourself a better future.

[–] • 0 pt

Instead of trying to figure out some magic phrase or solution to your problem, just tell her what you told us. It has to be candid and honest. You’re not gonna bullshit your way out of it or say the perfect phrase to make her forget it all. You just have to be honest, tell her you got caught up in it and it won’t happen again and that you will show her. It’s all you can really do. And you’re gonna need to pamper her a little bit

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