Thanks for writing down so clearly what the situation is with your son. I don't think there's any easy solution, but then parenting isn't easy.
I liked the part you wrote -
"(we finished my job but managed to get a roofing job the very next day and is doing good. Boss really likes him and he's a super hard worker. Roofs all day and walks 70 blocks home 'just because'. Very proud of him on that part)"
Have you told him that? Praised him for what he does right or is it more a case of just warning him when he does wrong? I don't know your son, but if he has a form of oppositional defiance disorder, sticks might not work and maybe carrots are the way to go.
I think a good way forward would be to agree some rules (in collaboration with him - not diktats) about where the boundaries are in terms of living in your house, working with you etc. Try to avoid dictating how he conducts his personal life, I know it's hard because he's your child, but he's 26 and entitled to make his own mistakes.
I would suggest the home is sacrosanct and your business is your livelihood so start by agreeing rules around that. For example you said that he came back at 4.30am, that is unacceptable, set a curfew for week nights and weekends and agree that if he isn't going to make it back in time he should sleep round his friends house.
I would also have the difficult talk about drugs. You can't stop him doing them and threatening to shop him will just push him further into opposition, but firmly make him understand that if you find drugs in the house your flushing them, if you find drugs on the job you're sending him home and if you find drugs in your car he's walking the rest of the way. It's a line in the sand, but these aren't triggers for cutting all strings, beyond which there is no road back - they are proportional responses to transgressions. You are the senior adult and therefore the one who makes the rules on these specific matters.
If he's going to be involved in drugs out there in the world you can't stop him, but you can insist it doesn't intrude on your domain and risk your security. He should respect you setting a boundary and then he will expect his boundaries respected in return, which should engender mutual respect.
I also don't think you should be handling his finances for him, at his age. I understand he doesn't have a bank account, but there are plenty of banking apps and other alternatives, which would probably be better than a debit account anyway. That way you won't find yourself in a position holding his money and arguing about payments which sows distrust, you will just send him payments for the work he does and then it's his business.
I think if you can draw some lines you can build up the relationship. My feeling is that he's involved in some dumb shit, but if you can draw a line between the good life he can live working as an honest man under your tutelage, and the shit life of trouble he's attracted to out on the street with the bad boys, and resist the urge to meddle in that side of his life, he should at some point independently realize which is the intelligent path to take. It won't happen overnight and he will stumble along the way, but hopefully he'll get there in the end.
>Have you told him that? Praised him for what he does right or is it more a case of just warning him when he does wrong? I don't know your son, but if he has a form of oppositional defiance disorder, sticks might not work and maybe carrots are the way to go.
Yes, I make a point of using this psychology on him and it's affective. However, I will assert my will when I sense a power struggle. He tries to be dominant with me and I smack that shit down.
>I think a good way forward would be to agree some rules (in collaboration with him - not diktats) about where the boundaries are in terms of living in your house, working with you etc. Try to avoid dictating how he conducts his personal life, I know it's hard because he's your child, but he's 26 and entitled to make his own mistakes.
I don't say a word about his personal life, too late for that. I do give constructive criticism if he wants. He has been making efforts to be more considerate about the times he comes in. It's the mouthing off and tantrums which seem to be the biggest problem atm.
>I also don't think you should be handling his finances for him, at his age. Agreed, by both parties after this fiasco.
>I think if you can draw some lines you can build up the relationship. My feeling is that he's involved in some dumb shit, but if you can draw a line between the good life he can live working as an honest man under your tutelage, and the shit life of trouble he's attracted to out on the street with the bad boys, and resist the urge to meddle in that side of his life, he should at some point independently realize which is the intelligent path to take. It won't happen overnight and he will stumble along the way, but hopefully he'll get there in the end.
It's going to be volatile. There's a dichotomous split in the kid. He knows the rules and I see he has matured to level of understanding but he's missing something. A complete lack of any regard for what he does. Like consequences do not occur. It's bizarre. But on the other hand, he plays by the rules when it comes to work 100%. Better than most I would say. He explains to me the patients required when roofing, tearing it off if done incorrectly and doing it again. So he understands the ethics of hard work. Not afraid to try new things at all. There's a drive in him.
Don't give up, you can't undo years of mind programs in a few months. Those programs are the result of deep trauma. My cat used to belong to my sister, and her husband treated her like a dog, not a cat. Because of this she's a bit defensive and untrusting of people.
Even now after 6 years with her she's still mean, but she's calmed down a lot even letting strangers pet her. When I first got her she fucking hated me, now she jumps on my lap and purrs until she falls asleep.
The point is, it takes time.
That's good to hear, it sounds like you are doing your best for him.
I remember when I was a young man and there was an element of risk taking that, from the outside, must have looked self-destructiveness, but I was just frustrated and testing myself.
Does he have any interests or hobbies to channel his extra energy into outside of work, like an MMA gym or off-roading? Something positive where he can test his boundaries in a moderately safe environment.
>Does he have any interests or hobbies to channel his extra energy into outside of work, like an MMA gym or off-roading? Something positive where he can test his boundaries in a moderately safe environment.
Took him kayaking and he said he found his new hobby. He did boxing for a while but his only hobby atm is partying and getting laid. No judgement from me there.
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