A rant about my "son" | Poal: Say what you want.

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So I'm helping my 26 y/o son out by buying him a flight to move to a new, better city to get his feet back on the ground and 3 weeks in I want throw the bastard out.

Quick backstory:

His mom had him all this time but threw him out at 14 Totally wild and undomesticated, meth addict, violent contacts me on fb at 16 Bring him out then for a year. Goes to shit after 3 months. Goes back to his home city/goes to jail for a year Gets out and tries to work responsibly (sort of) Still dealing drugs, cocaine etc. Is a manipulator Has severe anger issues but kicks meth

Fast forward to August and I bring him out to work with me in my business for two weeks. We bond but I can see he still have serious anger issues. Watched him throw a temper tantrum after spilling his coffee when I had to hit the brakes quick. Totally embarrassing, for him, I told him. Said I don't want to see that side of him. Up to that point everything was fine.

Drinking problem: First big fight was when he came home at 4:30 am, drunk and arguing with his gf on the phone. Get up and tell him to knock it off, notice he's drinking and ask if he's drunk? Get into massive fight, blows up at me "WHAT I CANT TALK TO MY GF??" bs. Threatens to move out, demands I pay him NOW for the work. I text his mom "call your son" Explain he's going on a tyrant. She understands. Tells him not make this a repeat of the first time I brought him out. We talk, tell him this sort of thing SHOUlD NOT BE HAPPENING.

Slamming the microwave door: SLAM every time. HEY Stop slamming my shit! Blows up at me, argues, then SLAMS the door again anyway. FFS

Now today. Goes out Friday night...oh wait. I decide to cook dinner, tell him he can take left overs for work...

(we finished my job but managed to get a roofing job the very next day and is doing good. Boss really likes him and he's a super hard worker. Roofs all day and walks 70 blocks home 'just because'. Very proud of him on that part)

...Just as soon as I get a pot on to start dinner, he decides he's going out. Ok, fine. Dump the water back in the sink. I was only going to cook dinner so we both can eat together. Instead, he has other plans and I no longer feel like cooking. Have a fight about that a little bit. Anyway, comes back at 10 the next day and sleeps the whole day on my couch. But let me back up a little bit...

He's been sending me money to withdraw for him because he doesn't have a bank account here. He earns it from having his people sell drugs for him in his home city. And sends it to me. Up to now, I lock in what I owe him based on how much I withdraw and commit to memory. I knew it was only $80 but the friday he left, he told me $180. ok, perhaps but I need to check my bank statements I told him. Then I asked him to tell me all the dates he sent me money. BLOWS UP! Like I "don't trust him" he said. Well, I blow up and yell at him it's so I can cross-reference shit and he has no business getting mad!

He literally has no wallet. Carries cash in his baggy pockets. He's lost over 100 phones in is life and his organizational skills are none. He has none. So, no, I don't trust him.

While he was gone I dug into all my transactions, wrote down all the debts and payments along with each date. Worked the entire last 3 weeks back to every instance he gave me money and every instance I paid. It was irrefutable, I only owed him $80.

Fast forward to this morning. Wakes up in a good mood. Slept all day from Saturday's hang over. Then he decides to take a look at the accounting I did on the paper I left him. ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE

My son suffers from HADD (hyper-active attention deficit) and watching him try to comprehend something as straight forward as my math, dates and transactions all laid out for him was a disaster. TOO COMPLICATED he yells, frantically pacing, yelling, frustration level 100. Tries to argue his case with anecdotes and what "he remembers" which money was from whom or whichever reason. Tries to tell me my ledger is "irrelevant". I pointed out exactly how much he gave me and if he can show where he gave more, then i'm all ears. He couldn't. He seemed to think he gave me $400 more than he did. Wasn't until I pulled up all the transactions in my email that showed what he sent before, he calmed down and admitted he's wrong.

Things settled down for a bit. We start cleaning up, all is well. Then I'm wiping down the coffee table and I ask him to move his change. He ignores me, texting with someone. Then I say his name. BOOM blows up at me. Literally screaming that his friend O'ded last night and that I am denying him to text about or some stupid shit. That's it, I lose my fucking cool, motioned to slam the table cloth down and we have another blow out. It' like there's a very fine, thin membrane between us where he is willing to fight me. But he knows not to, but he is experiencing the first time in his life that fighting when he knows he shouldn't is something he has never had to control himself of before. For the first time in his life he can't react the way he WANTS to because of who I am. I won't mince words, he is violent and we both know he is capable of killing someone. Sometimes I have visions that it's me. No joke.

He's gone now downtown to hang with his friends. I told him before he left that I'm the last bridge in his life that he burns. He listened. He knows it too. He was trying to control himself, but he can't. I cannot allow this guy to talk to me the way he does and I don't give a shit about what made him that way. I don't deserve this, end of. He asked if I'm going to kick him out and I said no. But I want to.

I counted up some savings I could use to pay him out (still waiting for my cheque to clear, 2 more weeks) and want to hand it over and tell him he wrecked it for us. He wouldn't care about it for too long though. He doesn't care about much and that scares me about him. He has some really good qualities but his bad side ruins all of it. He schemes. He manipulates. He sees himself as everything revolves around him. The center of his own attention. I don't even really know this guy, just trying to do the right thing and help him be the best person he can be. I wasn't there for his life and thought now that he's 26, it would be good to try again. But he's an emotional terrorist and talking to me the way he does is going to be his undoing.

So there's going to be two types of responses I will probably get. 1. Throw his ass out. 2. Give him a chance to correct himself Which one? I'm really not interested in bonding with him anymore but perhaps my duties aren't finished yet. I certainly don't owe him shit other than his paycheque. The kid is 26 and acts like 16 when angry. There is no fixing that, all him.

So I'm helping my 26 y/o son out by buying him a flight to move to a new, better city to get his feet back on the ground and 3 weeks in I want throw the bastard out. Quick backstory: His mom had him all this time but threw him out at 14 Totally wild and undomesticated, meth addict, violent contacts me on fb at 16 Bring him out then for a year. Goes to shit after 3 months. Goes back to his home city/goes to jail for a year Gets out and tries to work responsibly (sort of) Still dealing drugs, cocaine etc. Is a manipulator Has severe anger issues but kicks meth Fast forward to August and I bring him out to work with me in my business for two weeks. We bond but I can see he still have serious anger issues. Watched him throw a temper tantrum after spilling his coffee when I had to hit the brakes quick. Totally embarrassing, for him, I told him. Said I don't want to see that side of him. Up to that point everything was fine. Drinking problem: First big fight was when he came home at 4:30 am, drunk and arguing with his gf on the phone. Get up and tell him to knock it off, notice he's drinking and ask if he's drunk? Get into massive fight, blows up at me "WHAT I CANT TALK TO MY GF??" bs. Threatens to move out, demands I pay him NOW for the work. I text his mom "call your son" Explain he's going on a tyrant. She understands. Tells him not make this a repeat of the first time I brought him out. We talk, tell him this sort of thing SHOUlD NOT BE HAPPENING. Slamming the microwave door: SLAM every time. HEY Stop slamming my shit! Blows up at me, argues, then SLAMS the door again anyway. FFS Now today. Goes out Friday night...oh wait. I decide to cook dinner, tell him he can take left overs for work... (we finished my job but managed to get a roofing job the very next day and is doing good. Boss really likes him and he's a super hard worker. Roofs all day and walks 70 blocks home 'just because'. Very proud of him on that part) ...Just as soon as I get a pot on to start dinner, he decides he's going out. Ok, fine. Dump the water back in the sink. I was only going to cook dinner so we both can eat together. Instead, he has other plans and I no longer feel like cooking. Have a fight about that a little bit. Anyway, comes back at 10 the next day and sleeps the whole day on my couch. But let me back up a little bit... He's been sending me money to withdraw for him because he doesn't have a bank account here. He earns it from having his people sell drugs for him in his home city. And sends it to me. Up to now, I lock in what I owe him based on how much I withdraw and commit to memory. I knew it was only $80 but the friday he left, he told me $180. ok, perhaps but I need to check my bank statements I told him. Then I asked him to tell me all the dates he sent me money. BLOWS UP! Like I "don't trust him" he said. Well, I blow up and yell at him it's so I can cross-reference shit and he has no business getting mad! He literally has no wallet. Carries cash in his baggy pockets. He's lost over 100 phones in is life and his organizational skills are none. He has none. So, no, I don't trust him. While he was gone I dug into all my transactions, wrote down all the debts and payments along with each date. Worked the entire last 3 weeks back to every instance he gave me money and every instance I paid. It was irrefutable, I only owed him $80. Fast forward to this morning. Wakes up in a good mood. Slept all day from Saturday's hang over. Then he decides to take a look at the accounting I did on the paper I left him. ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE My son suffers from HADD (hyper-active attention deficit) and watching him try to comprehend something as straight forward as my math, dates and transactions all laid out for him was a disaster. TOO COMPLICATED he yells, frantically pacing, yelling, frustration level 100. Tries to argue his case with anecdotes and what "he remembers" which money was from whom or whichever reason. Tries to tell me my ledger is "irrelevant". I pointed out exactly how much he gave me and if he can show where he gave more, then i'm all ears. He couldn't. He seemed to think he gave me $400 more than he did. Wasn't until I pulled up all the transactions in my email that showed what he sent before, he calmed down and admitted he's wrong. Things settled down for a bit. We start cleaning up, all is well. Then I'm wiping down the coffee table and I ask him to move his change. He ignores me, texting with someone. Then I say his name. BOOM blows up at me. Literally screaming that his friend O'ded last night and that I am denying him to text about or some stupid shit. That's it, I lose my fucking cool, motioned to slam the table cloth down and we have another blow out. It' like there's a very fine, thin membrane between us where he is willing to fight me. But he knows not to, but he is experiencing the first time in his life that fighting when he knows he shouldn't is something he has never had to control himself of before. For the first time in his life he can't react the way he WANTS to because of who I am. I won't mince words, he is violent and we both know he is capable of killing someone. Sometimes I have visions that it's me. No joke. He's gone now downtown to hang with his friends. I told him before he left that I'm the last bridge in his life that he burns. He listened. He knows it too. He was trying to control himself, but he can't. I cannot allow this guy to talk to me the way he does and I don't give a shit about what made him that way. I don't deserve this, end of. He asked if I'm going to kick him out and I said no. But I want to. I counted up some savings I could use to pay him out (still waiting for my cheque to clear, 2 more weeks) and want to hand it over and tell him he wrecked it for us. He wouldn't care about it for too long though. He doesn't care about much and that scares me about him. He has some really good qualities but his bad side ruins all of it. He schemes. He manipulates. He sees himself as everything revolves around him. The center of his own attention. I don't even really know this guy, just trying to do the right thing and help him be the best person he can be. I wasn't there for his life and thought now that he's 26, it would be good to try again. But he's an emotional terrorist and talking to me the way he does is going to be his undoing. So there's going to be two types of responses I will probably get. 1. Throw his ass out. 2. Give him a chance to correct himself Which one? I'm really not interested in bonding with him anymore but perhaps my duties aren't finished yet. I certainly don't owe him shit other than his paycheque. The kid is 26 and acts like 16 when angry. There is no fixing that, all him.

[–] [deleted] • 2 pts

Thanks for writing down so clearly what the situation is with your son. I don't think there's any easy solution, but then parenting isn't easy.

I liked the part you wrote -

"(we finished my job but managed to get a roofing job the very next day and is doing good. Boss really likes him and he's a super hard worker. Roofs all day and walks 70 blocks home 'just because'. Very proud of him on that part)"

Have you told him that? Praised him for what he does right or is it more a case of just warning him when he does wrong? I don't know your son, but if he has a form of oppositional defiance disorder, sticks might not work and maybe carrots are the way to go.

I think a good way forward would be to agree some rules (in collaboration with him - not diktats) about where the boundaries are in terms of living in your house, working with you etc. Try to avoid dictating how he conducts his personal life, I know it's hard because he's your child, but he's 26 and entitled to make his own mistakes.

I would suggest the home is sacrosanct and your business is your livelihood so start by agreeing rules around that. For example you said that he came back at 4.30am, that is unacceptable, set a curfew for week nights and weekends and agree that if he isn't going to make it back in time he should sleep round his friends house.

I would also have the difficult talk about drugs. You can't stop him doing them and threatening to shop him will just push him further into opposition, but firmly make him understand that if you find drugs in the house your flushing them, if you find drugs on the job you're sending him home and if you find drugs in your car he's walking the rest of the way. It's a line in the sand, but these aren't triggers for cutting all strings, beyond which there is no road back - they are proportional responses to transgressions. You are the senior adult and therefore the one who makes the rules on these specific matters.

If he's going to be involved in drugs out there in the world you can't stop him, but you can insist it doesn't intrude on your domain and risk your security. He should respect you setting a boundary and then he will expect his boundaries respected in return, which should engender mutual respect.

I also don't think you should be handling his finances for him, at his age. I understand he doesn't have a bank account, but there are plenty of banking apps and other alternatives, which would probably be better than a debit account anyway. That way you won't find yourself in a position holding his money and arguing about payments which sows distrust, you will just send him payments for the work he does and then it's his business.

I think if you can draw some lines you can build up the relationship. My feeling is that he's involved in some dumb shit, but if you can draw a line between the good life he can live working as an honest man under your tutelage, and the shit life of trouble he's attracted to out on the street with the bad boys, and resist the urge to meddle in that side of his life, he should at some point independently realize which is the intelligent path to take. It won't happen overnight and he will stumble along the way, but hopefully he'll get there in the end.

Thanks for writing down so clearly what the situation is with your son. I don't think there's any easy solution, but then parenting isn't easy. I liked the part you wrote - "(we finished my job but managed to get a roofing job the very next day and is doing good. Boss really likes him and he's a super hard worker. Roofs all day and walks 70 blocks home 'just because'. Very proud of him on that part)" Have you told him that? Praised him for what he does right or is it more a case of just warning him when he does wrong? I don't know your son, but if he has a form of oppositional defiance disorder, sticks might not work and maybe carrots are the way to go. I think a good way forward would be to agree some rules (in collaboration with him - not diktats) about where the boundaries are in terms of living in your house, working with you etc. Try to avoid dictating how he conducts his personal life, I know it's hard because he's your child, but he's 26 and entitled to make his own mistakes. I would suggest the home is sacrosanct and your business is your livelihood so start by agreeing rules around that. For example you said that he came back at 4.30am, that is unacceptable, set a curfew for week nights and weekends and agree that if he isn't going to make it back in time he should sleep round his friends house. I would also have the difficult talk about drugs. You can't stop him doing them and threatening to shop him will just push him further into opposition, but firmly make him understand that if you find drugs in the house your flushing them, if you find drugs on the job you're sending him home and if you find drugs in your car he's walking the rest of the way. It's a line in the sand, but these aren't triggers for cutting all strings, beyond which there is no road back - they are proportional responses to transgressions. You are the senior adult and therefore the one who makes the rules on these specific matters. If he's going to be involved in drugs out there in the world you can't stop him, but you can insist it doesn't intrude on your domain and risk your security. He should respect you setting a boundary and then he will expect his boundaries respected in return, which should engender mutual respect. I also don't think you should be handling his finances for him, at his age. I understand he doesn't have a bank account, but there are plenty of banking apps and other alternatives, which would probably be better than a debit account anyway. That way you won't find yourself in a position holding his money and arguing about payments which sows distrust, you will just send him payments for the work he does and then it's his business. I think if you can draw some lines you can build up the relationship. My feeling is that he's involved in some dumb shit, but if you can draw a line between the good life he can live working as an honest man under your tutelage, and the shit life of trouble he's attracted to out on the street with the bad boys, and resist the urge to meddle in that side of his life, he should at some point independently realize which is the intelligent path to take. It won't happen overnight and he will stumble along the way, but hopefully he'll get there in the end.

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[–] • 2 pts

>Have you told him that? Praised him for what he does right or is it more a case of just warning him when he does wrong? I don't know your son, but if he has a form of oppositional defiance disorder, sticks might not work and maybe carrots are the way to go.

Yes, I make a point of using this psychology on him and it's affective. However, I will assert my will when I sense a power struggle. He tries to be dominant with me and I smack that shit down.

>I think a good way forward would be to agree some rules (in collaboration with him - not diktats) about where the boundaries are in terms of living in your house, working with you etc. Try to avoid dictating how he conducts his personal life, I know it's hard because he's your child, but he's 26 and entitled to make his own mistakes.

I don't say a word about his personal life, too late for that. I do give constructive criticism if he wants. He has been making efforts to be more considerate about the times he comes in. It's the mouthing off and tantrums which seem to be the biggest problem atm.

>I also don't think you should be handling his finances for him, at his age. Agreed, by both parties after this fiasco.

>I think if you can draw some lines you can build up the relationship. My feeling is that he's involved in some dumb shit, but if you can draw a line between the good life he can live working as an honest man under your tutelage, and the shit life of trouble he's attracted to out on the street with the bad boys, and resist the urge to meddle in that side of his life, he should at some point independently realize which is the intelligent path to take. It won't happen overnight and he will stumble along the way, but hopefully he'll get there in the end.

It's going to be volatile. There's a dichotomous split in the kid. He knows the rules and I see he has matured to level of understanding but he's missing something. A complete lack of any regard for what he does. Like consequences do not occur. It's bizarre. But on the other hand, he plays by the rules when it comes to work 100%. Better than most I would say. He explains to me the patients required when roofing, tearing it off if done incorrectly and doing it again. So he understands the ethics of hard work. Not afraid to try new things at all. There's a drive in him.

>>Have you told him that? Praised him for what he does right or is it more a case of just warning him when he does wrong? I don't know your son, but if he has a form of oppositional defiance disorder, sticks might not work and maybe carrots are the way to go. Yes, I make a point of using this psychology on him and it's affective. However, I will assert my will when I sense a power struggle. He tries to be dominant with me and I smack that shit down. >>I think a good way forward would be to agree some rules (in collaboration with him - not diktats) about where the boundaries are in terms of living in your house, working with you etc. Try to avoid dictating how he conducts his personal life, I know it's hard because he's your child, but he's 26 and entitled to make his own mistakes. I don't say a word about his personal life, too late for that. I do give constructive criticism if he wants. He has been making efforts to be more considerate about the times he comes in. It's the mouthing off and tantrums which seem to be the biggest problem atm. >>I also don't think you should be handling his finances for him, at his age. Agreed, by both parties after this fiasco. >>I think if you can draw some lines you can build up the relationship. My feeling is that he's involved in some dumb shit, but if you can draw a line between the good life he can live working as an honest man under your tutelage, and the shit life of trouble he's attracted to out on the street with the bad boys, and resist the urge to meddle in that side of his life, he should at some point independently realize which is the intelligent path to take. It won't happen overnight and he will stumble along the way, but hopefully he'll get there in the end. It's going to be volatile. There's a dichotomous split in the kid. He knows the rules and I see he has matured to level of understanding but he's *missing something*. A complete lack of any regard for what he does. Like consequences do not occur. It's bizarre. But on the other hand, he plays by the rules when it comes to work 100%. Better than most I would say. He explains to me the patients required when roofing, tearing it off if done incorrectly and doing it again. So he understands the ethics of hard work. Not afraid to try new things at all. There's a drive in him.

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[–] • 1 pt

Don't give up, you can't undo years of mind programs in a few months. Those programs are the result of deep trauma. My cat used to belong to my sister, and her husband treated her like a dog, not a cat. Because of this she's a bit defensive and untrusting of people.

Even now after 6 years with her she's still mean, but she's calmed down a lot even letting strangers pet her. When I first got her she fucking hated me, now she jumps on my lap and purrs until she falls asleep.

The point is, it takes time.

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[–] [deleted] • 0 pt

That's good to hear, it sounds like you are doing your best for him.

I remember when I was a young man and there was an element of risk taking that, from the outside, must have looked self-destructiveness, but I was just frustrated and testing myself.

Does he have any interests or hobbies to channel his extra energy into outside of work, like an MMA gym or off-roading? Something positive where he can test his boundaries in a moderately safe environment.

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[–] • 1 pt

>Does he have any interests or hobbies to channel his extra energy into outside of work, like an MMA gym or off-roading? Something positive where he can test his boundaries in a moderately safe environment.

Took him kayaking and he said he found his new hobby. He did boxing for a while but his only hobby atm is partying and getting laid. No judgement from me there.

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