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Not sure this is the right sub.

My parents and father in law died long ago, RIP. Wife and I are looking for a new home and considering getting one large enough for us to invite her mother to live with us.

She has physical limitations. An uninsured person of low character ran a red light and t-boned her car a couple years back. She sustained several ‘life-ending’ injuries but miraculously survived. A family friend moved in with her to act as caregiver, but that arrangement is over. Now the choices are either a nur$ing home or moving in with us.

I am family oriented and believe institutions can be a horror, but I am not sure we are equipped to provide what she needs since wife and I both work full time. Anyone have experience caring for an aged parent and willing to share your advice? Thanks.

Not sure this is the right sub. My parents and father in law died long ago, RIP. Wife and I are looking for a new home and considering getting one large enough for us to invite her mother to live with us. She has physical limitations. An uninsured person of low character ran a red light and t-boned her car a couple years back. She sustained several ‘life-ending’ injuries but miraculously survived. A family friend moved in with her to act as caregiver, but that arrangement is over. Now the choices are either a nur$ing home or moving in with us. I am family oriented and believe institutions can be a horror, but I am not sure we are equipped to provide what she needs since wife and I both work full time. Anyone have experience caring for an aged parent and willing to share your advice? Thanks.

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[–] [deleted] • 1 pt

I have multiple experiences with this exact situation. She's going to need a full-time carer, either you and your wife pay for one (either via a nursing home or a guest house for the MIL or some other arrangement), or one of your stops working to do it. This can be an incredibly difficult lifestyle to adapt to. You'll bathe her, wipe her ass, feed her, cloth her, etc... every single day until she dies... which could be 2 years from now or 15 years from now-- and believe me-- everyone will be counting. This arrangement can be mentally and emotionally draining on all parties involved even if there's a good relationship between all parties. Definitely do not do personal care if she's batshit (youll know better than us), some family members are, thats how life is, so don't wreck your marriage bringing an emotional vampire into your house-- because the first thing she'll start doing is emotionally manipulating your wife through their parent-child relationship and you'll have to deal with the dogshit that follows.

Props to you if you can handle it, but most people can't and shouldn't do it themselves. I would recommend placing her locally if there are nursing homes available. That way you and your wife will still be able to maintain close contact but will not have to bear the stress/burden of her daily care (other than the ridiculous costs associated with it). You'll also be able to better monitor the kind of service she's getting. Nursing homes arent all bad, but they're not all good either. Particularly the social atmosphere between a bunch of seniors living together can ease the stress of it since they're surrounded by peers with similar ages/experiences they have. Some homes can make the seniors feel more independent (even with the care) which is something she may appreciate other than likely sitting in isolation at your home while both of you work.

Just my 2c having dealt with both in-home care and nursing homes. There's nothing wrong with putting her in a home if the situation calls for it and do not feel guilty about it if thats what you decide whats best.

Further I would STRONGLY recommend you and your wife figure out what your own end-of-life care is going to be and make a plan now, so you don't place the burden on your own family/kids like your MIL (not that she had a choice, but still, be more prepared).

[–] • 0 pt

I appreciate you sharing your experience. She is not batshit crazy, but I am aware that she can push wife’s buttons easier than mine. She has chosen to be fairly isolated for thirty plus years so I am not sure she will be inclined to take advantage of the social aspects of a nursing home. You are also correct that we must plan now for our twilight years.