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526

Not sure this is the right sub.

My parents and father in law died long ago, RIP. Wife and I are looking for a new home and considering getting one large enough for us to invite her mother to live with us.

She has physical limitations. An uninsured person of low character ran a red light and t-boned her car a couple years back. She sustained several ‘life-ending’ injuries but miraculously survived. A family friend moved in with her to act as caregiver, but that arrangement is over. Now the choices are either a nur$ing home or moving in with us.

I am family oriented and believe institutions can be a horror, but I am not sure we are equipped to provide what she needs since wife and I both work full time. Anyone have experience caring for an aged parent and willing to share your advice? Thanks.

Not sure this is the right sub. My parents and father in law died long ago, RIP. Wife and I are looking for a new home and considering getting one large enough for us to invite her mother to live with us. She has physical limitations. An uninsured person of low character ran a red light and t-boned her car a couple years back. She sustained several ‘life-ending’ injuries but miraculously survived. A family friend moved in with her to act as caregiver, but that arrangement is over. Now the choices are either a nur$ing home or moving in with us. I am family oriented and believe institutions can be a horror, but I am not sure we are equipped to provide what she needs since wife and I both work full time. Anyone have experience caring for an aged parent and willing to share your advice? Thanks.

(post is archived)

[–] [deleted] • 5 pts

If you both work, you will need to hire a professional nurse to watch after her. It's the only solution. Nursing home is out of question. There are many reports on scary shit happening in these places.

[–] • 1 pt

Especially now with this COVID mess.

[–] [deleted] • 2 pts

Covid is just the most obvious. I am talking about reports where mentally sick nurses were abusing, or even killing the old people. Interenet is full of these news.

[–] • 1 pt

I don't believe that is wide spread. I actually work as a healthcare administration consultant. I'm not saying it doesn't happen; when it does, you will be sure to hear about it on the news. You are less likely to hear about well ran facilities that do care.

That said. If you are able to, taking care of your own is the best option.

[–] • 1 pt

A nurse may be too much. Home health aide is what you want but make sure to find one of good character. No niggers.

[–] • 1 pt

Agreed. We would have a rotation of nurses and possibly physical/occupational therapists visiting during the day. Not PsychoTheRapist though, no offense Psycho.

[–] • 2 pts

Yes. And put her in the room next to yours so she can hear you porking her daughter. :)

[–] • 1 pt

LOL. She watches TV with the volume up high so that will be an interesting mashup.

[–] • 0 pt

OP, and pork her too. Show her The Windmill trick with your dick. Your wife will never believe it.

It may also be a subject for numerous psych experiments and headgames.

[–] • 2 pts

As long as you can provide her needs, yes!

Institutions are horrible even when they are not letting employees abuse the elderly.

[–] • 2 pts

No advice except good luck!

[–] • 2 pts

Depends; is/was she a leftist? If you can provide for her, take her in, even if it takes some sacrifice on your part. If you can't adequately provide for her, don't take her in but spend as much time as you can with her.

[–] • 1 pt

She is based. She mostly watches GRIT TV because she can’t see well enough to read, and she thinks everything else on the tube is too faggot-riddled.

[–] • 2 pts

It would be the right thing to do imo, if you can make it work.

There are people that require 24/7 skilled care that are better off in nursing homes, but for a lot of older adults that is not the case.

You can usually get home healthcare from her medicare/medicaid to come into the home and help. Maybe stay with her while you are at work.

Usually the biggest consideration is, is she a fall risk? Can she toilet herself safely? Will she be able to feed herself lunch without burning the house down?

If you do try it. I'd explain to her that it is a trial, but in the end if it isn't safe, you will have to look at other options.

[–] • 2 pts

Not a likely fall risk, but who knows. She can handle her bathroom needs and her medicine regimen. I wholeheartedly agree that we all must accept this is a trial.

[–] • 2 pts

I'd say go for it then. At least that way if it doesn't work all parties will know you tried. If you put her in the home, there might be regretful thoughts of, "what if we would have just kept her home".

[–] • 1 pt

Why did you type nursing like that? Play on it being a cash farm?

[–] • 0 pt

Looking like $6k per month or more.

[–] • 1 pt

Makes sense.

$72k once, maybe twice, buys a nice small cottage built on your land.

[–] • 1 pt

We have a duty to our parents. Ultimately, I would see what my wife felt about it. She knows her better than you do. It may be that she would prefer to be in a home. It may be that it would be a good final act between your wife and her mother.

[–] [deleted] • 1 pt

I have multiple experiences with this exact situation. She's going to need a full-time carer, either you and your wife pay for one (either via a nursing home or a guest house for the MIL or some other arrangement), or one of your stops working to do it. This can be an incredibly difficult lifestyle to adapt to. You'll bathe her, wipe her ass, feed her, cloth her, etc... every single day until she dies... which could be 2 years from now or 15 years from now-- and believe me-- everyone will be counting. This arrangement can be mentally and emotionally draining on all parties involved even if there's a good relationship between all parties. Definitely do not do personal care if she's batshit (youll know better than us), some family members are, thats how life is, so don't wreck your marriage bringing an emotional vampire into your house-- because the first thing she'll start doing is emotionally manipulating your wife through their parent-child relationship and you'll have to deal with the dogshit that follows.

Props to you if you can handle it, but most people can't and shouldn't do it themselves. I would recommend placing her locally if there are nursing homes available. That way you and your wife will still be able to maintain close contact but will not have to bear the stress/burden of her daily care (other than the ridiculous costs associated with it). You'll also be able to better monitor the kind of service she's getting. Nursing homes arent all bad, but they're not all good either. Particularly the social atmosphere between a bunch of seniors living together can ease the stress of it since they're surrounded by peers with similar ages/experiences they have. Some homes can make the seniors feel more independent (even with the care) which is something she may appreciate other than likely sitting in isolation at your home while both of you work.

Just my 2c having dealt with both in-home care and nursing homes. There's nothing wrong with putting her in a home if the situation calls for it and do not feel guilty about it if thats what you decide whats best.

Further I would STRONGLY recommend you and your wife figure out what your own end-of-life care is going to be and make a plan now, so you don't place the burden on your own family/kids like your MIL (not that she had a choice, but still, be more prepared).

[–] • 0 pt

I appreciate you sharing your experience. She is not batshit crazy, but I am aware that she can push wife’s buttons easier than mine. She has chosen to be fairly isolated for thirty plus years so I am not sure she will be inclined to take advantage of the social aspects of a nursing home. You are also correct that we must plan now for our twilight years.

[–] • 1 pt

The short answer is Yes. If you are looking for a new home look for features that make having your mother-in-law there comfortable for you and her. Divided space so she has her own bed and bath. Maybe a kitchen if she is capable of cooking her own meals. Many variables to consider. We cared for my live in mother for over 2 years. I'm not saying it isn't hard but it's the right thing to do.

[–] • 0 pt

Thanks. You are correct. We will include those as requirements for the new place.

[–] • 1 pt

Wishing you all the best. As hard as it was, my mother was a difficult personality, I'll never regret the decision.

[–] • 1 pt

  1. Don’t have experience but have advice

  2. I take it you don’t have children in which case this shouldn’t be an issue

  3. There does need to be clear rules between you all if she does move in

  4. If she is going to be under your care, is it safe to make the assumption that you will be able to get paid to take care of her? If that is the case, have you considered ha img your wife quit and working with her full time?

[–] • 1 pt

Thanks. No kids. We may move closer to the nieces and nephews. Clear rules are a must. Discussing #4...

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