[Soft piano music plays. A woman in a beige linen dress stands in a sunlit field, gently closing the door of a gleaming midnight-blue crossover as her golden retriever hops in the back. Voiceover begins in that calm, trustworthy pharmaceutical cadence.] "Are you tired of merely existing between point A and point B? Do you suffer from chronic arrival disappointment, occasional lane-merge anxiety, or spontaneous parallel-parking despair? Introducing the all-new **Chevrolet Zylorvex XR**. Zylorvex XR is a once-daily luxury performance sedan engineered to help you experience the open road like never before. With available 7.3-liter turbocharged freedom injection and patented BlissShift™ transmission, Zylorvex XR may help reduce feelings of being trapped in traffic and restore your natural sense of automotive euphoria. In clinical trials, 9 out of 10 drivers reported feeling “vaguely superior” to surrounding traffic. Individual results may vary. [Cut to slow-motion shots of the car gliding through a coastal highway at golden hour, then a couple laughing silently in the front seats as wind dramatically blows their perfect hair.] Ask your dealer if Zylorvex XR is right for you. Zylorvex XR is not for everyone. Do not take Zylorvex XR if you are allergic to Zylorvex XR, peanuts, freedom, or payments exceeding your annual salary. Side effects may include: - Sudden uncontrollable acceleration - Unintended lane departure - Spontaneous combustion - Engine fire - Transmission fire - Panoramic sunroof fire - Total vehicle immolation - Exploding lithium-ion batteries - Wheels falling off at highway speeds - Airbags deploying for no reason - Airbags failing to deploy for very good reasons - Brake failure - Brake success (in Russia) - Seat belts tightening to lethal levels - Infotainment system possessing your soul - Navigation directing you into bodies of water - Sudden loss of structural integrity - Frame snapping in half during gentle turns - Catastrophic tire delamination - Being rear-ended by everyone because the taillights only work on Tuesdays - Immediate and irreversible depreciation - Your insurance company ghosting you - Auditory hallucinations of your father’s disappointment - Priapism lasting longer than 4 hours (in the cupholder) - Death - Slightly worse death - Death, but on fire Rare but serious side effects include time travel, turning into a pumpkin at midnight, and attracting subpoenas. Tell your doctor if you experience chest pain, shortness of breath, or your car attempting to merge into oncoming traffic on its own. These may be signs of a serious condition such as “Tesla Full Self-Driving Beta.” Do not operate Zylorvex XR while pregnant, planning to become pregnant, or existing within 500 feet of a school zone. Zylorvex XR may cause birth defects, including children born with racing stripes. In the event of sudden death, pull over immediately and remain motionless until authorities arrive. You are encouraged to report negative side effects of Zylorvex XR to the FDA or just post it on TikTok like a normal person. [Screen fades to white. Tiny text scrolls for 47 seconds.] Zylorvex XR. Because sometimes the destination isn’t worth surviving the journey.™ Offer not valid in California, reality, or during apocalyptic events. See dealer for details. Professional driver on closed course. Your dog will still judge you.